The Talk
by jazzpha
Summary: Vanellope decides that her best friend needs a woman in his life, so she tries to give Ralph a pep-talk. Hilarity ensues. Complete.


**The Talk**

* * *

Ralph looked over out of the corner of his eye as he realized Vanellope had fallen silent: it wasn't like her at all to get brooding in the middle of a root beer binge, and when she did it was never a good sign.

"Ralph, my man," she said at last, turning to face him with a serious look in her eyes, "we need to have 'The Talk'."

"Okay," Ralph replied, hesitating only slightly. He felt like something had just flown over his head. "What do you want to talk about?"

Vanellope blinked at him, her eyebrows furrowing the slightest bit.

"I just told you," she said flatly. "We need to have '_The Talk_'."

The added emphasis finally turned the light-bulb on in Ralph's head, but his moment of clarity quickly turned to shock.

"What!?" he half-shouted, startling everyone within earshot. "No, we do **not** need to have 'The Talk', young lady. That's the last thing we need to have. Where did you even learn about that?"

Vanellope just sighed, taking another swig of her root beer before speaking again.

"Ralph, stop gettin' all paternal on me and calm down for a second," she said. "I wasn't saying _you_ needed to have 'The Talk' with _me_. I was saying that _I_ need to have it with _you_."

"Well, that's bette—wait, what?" Ralph felt very confused as the sudden turn hit him over the head like a pillowcase full of bricks, and now it was his turn to blink.

"Why do you think I need to hear about… that sort of stuff?" he asked. "I'm thirty years old, kid: I've been around the block a couple times."

"Not from where I'm standing, you haven't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ralph shot back, bristling slightly. But if Vanellope was intimidated, she didn't show it.

"I mean you're always by yourself, and it's depressing," Vanellope explained. "You need some TLC in your life, Ralph, and stat."

"I thought that's what I had friends for."

"The _other kind_ of TLC, stinkbrain."

The light-bulb went off again.

"Oh."

"What about Sonja Blade?" Vanellope suggested, and Ralph could see the wheels turning in her head behind her devilishly clever eyes. It scared him more than a little bit. "She seems like your kind of type, and I bet you could take Johnny Cage if he tried to start somethin'."

"No," Ralph cut his friend off firmly, "No. We are not having this conversation, President Vanellope Von Misguided Matchmaker. I don't need a lady in my life _that_ way, and I don't want one. Not right now, at least," he hedged. "I'm still getting used to not living in a dump anymore, let alone trying to live with someone else."

"So… is 'not right now' your code for 'eventually', then?" Vanellope asked, and Ralph kicked himself mentally for leaving the opening.

"So what if it is?" he replied. "That doesn't change anything."

"You're right, muscles," Vanellope said, drawing a raised eyebrow from her friend.

"I am?"

"Yeah, it doesn't change a thing. All that means is I'm just planning for the future!" She grinned, rubbing her hands together in thought. "Hey, hey: what about Chun Li? I hear she's on the rebound; something about Guile dumping her."

"Where do you even hear all of this?"

"I have my ways," Vanellope said, with a glint in her eye that made Ralph immediately abandon that line of questioning. "Anyway, how about Tina Armstrong? I'm pretty sure she could beat you up."

"How many times am I going to have to say I'm not interested before it sinks in?" Ralph asked, throwing his arms up in exasperation. "Can we just go back to talking about cute and adorable things from _Sugar Rush_?"

"What," Vanellope said idly, tracing her finger around the rim of her mug, "you mean like the other Ralph, when he comes to visit?"

"No! Not him! Not him at all!"

Vanellope laughed as she saw her friend's face, the guffaws coming so forcefully that she burped.

"Oh, man, it's too easy," she said when she'd calmed down at last. "Your face is redder than a tomato, big guy. Calm down before you pass out."

Now it was Ralph's turn to sigh.

"You're ridiculous, kid. You know that?"

"Not as ridiculous as you. Don't worry, though," Vanellope finished, reaching up and putting a hand on Ralph's shoulder. "I'm sure she'll come walking through that door some day."

No sooner had Vanellope finished her thought than a woman walked through the door, wearing a loose-fitting military jacket and pants. A skin-tight blue suit was visible past the top two open buttons of the jacket, and her bright blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

A laser pistol rested at her waist, and as soon as she saw the duo sitting there her sharp green eyes narrowed. Her hand lingered near the grip of the gun as she walked over towards Ralph.

"And where've you been lately, stranger?" she asked him, her voice just a few degrees shy of icy.

Ralph managed a strained chuckle.

"Uh, heya, Samus," he half-stammered, trying to avoid both Vanellope's curious gaze and Samus Aran's frustrated one. "I've just been around, umm, doin' stuff. Busy."

"Too busy to pick up the phone?"

Ralph scratched the back of his head, suddenly bashful.

"Still getting used to having one, honestly."

Samus looked at him for a few tense heartbeats, before nodding.

"Fair," she said curtly. "Just try to be better about it, all right? I had fun the other night," she finished with the same even tone, but the faintest hint of a smile crept into her eyes.

"See you around, Ralph," she said in parting, before turning and walking away without looking back.

Ralph was left staring blankly into space, and Vanellope let out a low, long whistle.

"You dog, you," she said admirably, punching Ralph on the bicep. "I didn't know you had it in ya, buddy!"

"Neither did I," Ralph said distractedly, finally turning back to his root beer.

The pair shared an amicable silence, before Vanellope broke it again.

"Why didn't you just tell me about her?" she asked, and Ralph shrugged.

"It's not something we like to advertise, y'know?" he answered after a few moments. "We're just testing the waters a bit, seein' where it takes us."

"I know what you mean," Vanellope replied, finishing her root beer and letting her mind wander to a certain combat medic. "Best of luck to you, pal."

Ralph smiled, reaching over and ruffling Vanellope's hair.

"Right back atcha, kid. And thanks."

Vanellope smiled in kind.

"You're welcome, stinkbrain. Any time."

* * *

…

…

…

**A/N:** So, yeah. That happened. I hope you enjoyed it! I just get a huge kick out of writing Ralph and Vanellope, and the opportunity to give Ralph some love was icing on the cake. I'm working from the assumption that there's a version of _Super Smash Brothers_ in the arcade.

And if you're wondering who the "other Ralph" is who gets referred to, check out my other Wreck-It Ralph one-shot, '**Happy Birthday**'. All the answers are there.


End file.
